Happy New Day

It's new year eve. Mark of a new beginning very soon. Today, while the chiropractor adjusting for a little girl and asking her if she is excited about the new year 2013. The little girl didn't seems to response to the question. And straight after her adjustment, she just walked excitedly to the kids' session in the clinic n started coloring a picture of a Barbie doll in a pretty dress. Her whole focus was on making that beautiful dress colourful! Somehow it dawn on me that perhaps, to children, there isn't a need for new year eve or new year day to look forward or excited about because to them everyday is a new day! Happy new day is much more endearing that happy new year. Why wait for 12 months to have a resolution or celebrate with count down when we can be counting our blessing each end of day n be excited about a new day to come.

Celebrating the Completion of a Life Legacy

More important than being a time for mourning, death should be a celebration of a life beautifully lived.

A time to remember all those wonderful moments spent will amazing people; family & friends.

A time to celebrate the completion of a person's life legacy.

A time for sharing lots of love, laughter & light.

A time to share your sparks.

Mixed feelings

Bee haven't feel so sick in a long while. I was so happy about my long awaited leave, finally a break from work. It was a hard-earned leave! I know there are still colleagues who are still busying through the new year. I contemplate about taking off now. But somehow I feel like I may break down any time if I continue working. There seems to be so much happening past few weeks. So much I want to journal down, so much I have learn. I needed time off to recollect myself.

But who knows, I been sick since day one of my leave. Down with nasty flu that seems to escalate into fever that goes higher and higher. Perhaps due to an over estimation of my own body immune system, thinking that it can fight the flu without antibiotics. I was literally heating away last night and nothing seems to be able to bring down the temperature. The fever also make me giddy or perhaps a little delirious. I was getting really emotional though I'm not sure what about. I woke up halfway, hands were numb. Got out of my room and just nice my dad came back for a while. I told him my hands are numb. Feeling my feverish hands, he quickly took me to the kitchen and use cold towel to wipe my face and hands. My eyes were tearing away, vision blurred, I closed my eyes. My body felt weak. It's also at this moment that I felt my dad's palm so huge and on contrary, my palm seems like a baby still. At the same time, my mum came over and she said something which for the first time I started to wonder if she really knows what she is talking about or is it simply out of habit that she said that. I cant help but to question jeez is her only way of expression of love is through scolding. She was nagging at me for eating too much snacks and saying that I wont listen to her. This is exactly the same statement she would say to me or my dad whenever I told her I'm feeling sick. Can you imagine, she said that when I'm in primary school, secondary school, my tertiary years and now even when I'm well in my thirties. Those were the same exact words that never change! Frankly, if I were any stronger at that moment, I would have screamed at her. Firstly, I haven't take much snacks recently, secondly, what good can it do by nagging people when they are on the verge of collapsing and what they need most is love, support and perhaps a hug. I'm still feeling the frustration or disgust as I am writing this. I hate to be wronged by people and I especially hate to be wronged by my mum when I'm sick! I have been trying very hard to neutralize this emotion in me by recognizing that my mum do care too. It's just that perhaps I have grown too big that she have no idea how to care for me. This was something came to my mind last night too. Suddenly as emotion welled up and she nagging away, I realise maybe she has been so reliant on me all these years that she already forgotten how to take care of me.

I'm on leave because I want to rest. I fell sick and I needed rest even more. I told her that I'm on leave, she immediately jumped into asking me when to help her clean up the house, vacuum the floor, go market with her. Seriously, I'm not resenting doing all those. I love to spend them with her, clean up the house. But before all that I needed some rest first. Yes she just went through a minor ops and needed help in some things, but surely she can wait isn't it. I have always been trying to do my best for her, answer to her needs as fast as I could. But nothing seems enough. I'm down with flu and her priority is on cleaning up the house. This doesn't make sense to me. Last night when I thought she came into my room, switch on my lights to see how I'm doing. I was so disappointed that she came in to ask me paste plasters on her back when I'm on a high fever of near 40 degree Celsius. Why does it always have to make me put up a cold face towards her before she could give me more breathing space. I don't enjoy doing that. Is she that oblivious to my needs? As much as she needs me, don't she realise I need her to be a mother too, I need her to stand on her own at times. 

After-Thoughts:
Recognize the good in someone, at the same time knowing that no one is perfect. 
We must constantly be aware of our surrounding, ourselves, our life forms and stages, in order to be sharp enough to eliminate things, habits that no longer serves us anymore.
The parents and the child are both children of the universe. Both needing and deserve love and care.

Happy birthday - music "rejoice" by Peter Makena

This is such a loving birthday song:) It means so much. Music is natural healer to the souls and celebration of birth.

Are you quiet enough to hear the music of your soul?

"The dunes change with the wind,
but the desert remains the same."
~ Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist

Spirit sings for those who listen with their hearts.
Are you quiet enough to hear the music of your soul?

This is the music that remains the same,
even when tomorrow never came.

The Sparks that Make Life Rich & Worth Living.

Love, laughter & light. Passion, joy & colours.
These are the sparks that make life rich & worth living.

The Illuminating Brilliance of Death

You might be wondering why I would describe death as illuminating... Death is often portrayed as dark and scary... But this is not the true nature of death. This dark and scary image of death is nothing more than our collective projection... It is nothing more than the projection of our own fears.

The truth is, death illuminates life. Death brings about a sort of clarity that is hard to grasp in our day-to-day 'busying'. Until you understand and accept the inevitability of death, you can't really begin to comprehend and appreciate the gifts of life.

Death holds the power to penetrate the veil of illusion that masquerades as reality. Contemplate death and you will glimpse into what it truly means to be alive.

Love is Regenerative

This is the first time I see this plant flowering... It's been ten days since dad's passing... Time flies.

I remember thinking to myself a few months back that this particular plant was withering away from neglect and might not be around for much longer... Now it's flowering.

Everything begins with love and love is regenerates itself. Love is the only thing that endures the relentless passing of time.

Filling up Loss with Love

"When faced by any loss, there's no point in trying to recover what has been; it's best to take advantage of the large space that opens up before us and fill it with something new." ~ Paulo Coelho in Aleph

I shall start filling this space in front of me with love.

Holding Hands

This is Sam. He has been an Omega Service Technician since 1st Nov 1966.

Dad gave me his watch 2 years ago & reminded me change the batteries when it stops ticking.

Like his heartbeat, his Omega Constellation has stopped ticking.

Uncle Sam is helping me to change the batteries & adjusting the strap to fit my wrist.

Near the end of his life, dad lost a lot of weight. Still, I noticed that his hands were bigger than mine. Minutes before his passing, he held my left wrist with his left hand & I did the same. We locked hands for a brief but meaningful moment. Wearing this watch is the closest I can get to having dad hold my hand now.

Always Choose Love

Everything we experience is nothing more than a reflection of who we are. We create our own experience.

If we are addicted to worry, we will always find something to worry about. If we are addicted to anger, we will always find something to be angry about.

If we practice gratitude, we will always find something to be grateful for. If we choose love, we will always find lovable people around us.

Love

Love is for giving

Love is forgiving.
Forgive and you shall begin to understand.
Give and you shall begin to receive.
Love and you shall begin to live.
Love is for giving.

- by Alex & Jeanine, in loving memory of my dad, Mike Chua.

Fearing Death vs Loving Life

There are so many sides to a person... How can our perspectives ever be wholesome & complete?... Let go of any judgements & assumptions. Just love. Only love is real & love is for giving. Forgive & only then will you begin to understand.

Bird make bee utterly touched!

I never really understand why do people tear when they feel touched. I always envy and wonder how that happens.

I have my answer today. Bird just text something that totally describe how I feel even without myself knowing how to describe that feeling. Imagine me reading message on my phone over a bowl of leftover instant noodle soup and the next moment tears just flow uncontrollably down my cheeks and my heart feel totally touched! Yes! Touched, hugged.. That very moment filled with so much gratefulness that I meet bird in my life and having this gift to be with him, sharing our lives.

On Happiness in the Face of Death

"Memories are sweet, create and cherish them."

On Happiness in the Face of Death
My dad has final stage liver cancer... and facing the impending approach of the Angel of Death, he decides to smile. Here are 3 instances where he was smiling so beautifully... I would always remember these beautiful moments.

1. 5th December 2012 - My dad was in critical condition on Saturday, 1st December 2012. There were complications and he had blood in his stools. We were asked to choose between using endoscopic procedures to diagnose and treat his condition or to put him on medication drips via intravenous therapy. We decided not to opt for scope as the doctor advised that it was risky for him to go through such a procedure at that time.

Dad was put on drips and there were lots of tubes inserted to both his arms and wrists. His condition improved slowly over the next 4 days but there was blood in his stool again on Wednesday, 5th December 2012. He insisted that the doctor do a scope for him so he knows what exactly is the problem. My dad has always been strong, independent and stubborn. Once he has decided, it is not likely that any of us can convince him to change his mind.

As the team of nurses and doctors gathered around his bed to prepare to push him to the surgery room, he began to sing “I Will Follow You” by Ricky Nelson, followed by "The Wedding” by Julie Rogers". He was smiling as he sang. My sister and I were trying unsuccessfully to hide our tears. He was out after 2 hours, safe but visibly weak.

"Life is an hourglass that drips blood instead of sand... and we can't just turn it around and start over. Every drop matters. Every moment is a gift."

2. Thursday, 6th December 2012 - I finally printed some family photos to show my dad and he was really happy to see the photo both of us took together on 26th October 2012, right after he shaved his head bald. As I looked back now, I realise that this was just before his condition took a drastic turn for the worse.

“We're more alike than I realize. I'm 35 and he is 63. In 28 years, I'll be the same age as my dad when this photo was taken. That's not a lot of time.”

3. Sunday, 9th December 2012 - Dad was discharged from Changi General Hospital and I was pushing him out of the room in a wheelchair. As we exited the room into the main corridor of ward 19,  he started waving goodbyes to all the nurses. This was so beautiful to me and it’s an image that will forever be in my mind. I probably didn’t have a direct view of his smile, but somehow I knew it was a beautiful smile and I knew that he was really happy even though he was in pain.

Dad was delighted to finally be able to go home after 14 days of laying in bed 28 without fresh air. He was bedridden for 11 of those 14 days. And for the 3 days prior to his discharge, he was only able to walk with assistance, from his bed to the entrance of the hospital room and back. This was probably less than 6 meters in all and he would be visibly exhausted after each walk.

Happiness really is a choice. I seldom see my dad smiling. In fact, my most lucid memories of him have always been tainted by sadness and anger. I had always know him as being stern, sad and angry. I had always been judgmental of him and it was only during this trying period that I saw with such clarity another side of him that has always been there.

The stars are brightest just at dawn...

Bee: Just back from work (or rather something that I wouldnt consider work because work is life and is meaningful) at 5.30am. Way past sleeping time so I decided to enjoy dawn a little bit more. The stars tonight are specially lit up and seems like there are new stars that I haven't notice before. It's shining, sparkling so brightly. It get me thinking maybe stars are brightest at dawn...

Bird: Yes, Bee, you got it again! The stars are brightest during predawn and/or dawn!
*During dawn (and dusk) it is usually possible (provided that the sky is cloud-free) to see approximately in which direction the sun is (though it's below the horizon). Though it is possible to localize the direction of the sun during astronomical dawn and dusk, people in general experience astronomical dawn and dusk as night, even without clouds. Zenith is dark and more than just the brightest shining stars can be seen (except low above the horizon in the direction of the sun).
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dawn

Bird: In fact, you can even see some planets when the conditions are right ;-P
**December 2012 presents a great big plateful of planetary delights, with all five visible planets shining in the night sky in the first half of the month. Mars and Jupiter come out at evening, but you must be willing to wake up early to catch Venus, Saturn and Mercury in the predawn and/or dawn sky. In their outward order from the sun, the visible planets are Mercury, Venus, (Earth), Mars, Jupiter and Saturn.
Source: http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/visible-planets-tonight-mars-jupiter-venus-saturn-mercury

Your work is not you

Croissant breakfast after going for a chiropratic session. Thought it be a pamper of myself from all the exhaustion I am feeling from work. But apparently, it doesn't have that "sparkling up" effect on me. Maybe because I was still busy calling people to settle printing issues and get things done. Something happens that makes me want to be freed to be tied to a fixed hours work even more. Discuss with my "office manager" on possibilities of pushing my working hours an hour back so that I could go for my chiropratic in morning so that I didn have to rush for the session after work. But it doesn't quite go through. And I endup have to transfer to another clinic near my workplace and head there after work, which isn't a bad idea, only thing is far from home if I'm going on Saturday. Well I don't know how it plays out. And recent saga of doing some outside projects makes you feel I wanted more time to be out on my own liaising with people printer to make things faster. In business, actions gotta happen fast but right now I'm feeling this laggard stage. These all get me thinking even more we are born to live not to work. But why such a large part of us, our lifestyle is determined by our work. We are being associated to our job title, our job duties, the company we are working in and etc. It is no wonder so many people lost themselves when they lose their jobs. But surely, job is not everything. It is just a part of us. Job can be addictive because is the easiest way to build and find our identity. Job is everything to me in the past. I love it. I love working, being doing something all the time. I'm not workaholic, but I love how I see I'm creating things all the time and getting things done. I'm sure this is familiar to many of us. Working is like a quick fix of establishing our identity. But recently as I approaching a different life stage and seeing more of myself (thanks to bird), I realise work is not everything and is probably not a good tool to use to search or establish an identity for ourselves in this world because work is dispensable, so does the identity we build around our work. Changes happen everyday, no job is guaranteed. Our job can be displaced so easily. Does that mean we are invisible beings without identity when the identity we build from our job is gone? Yes, I felt this way when certain roles I'm taking on seems to be vaguely displaced by another colleague. So it's exactly normal to feel this way. That's when I asked myself am I only worth the work I do? Of course not! No way am I going to think that way! Because that will mean I'm simply a machine operated by my company and my life is dependent on it. ( Thanks to my value of independency) I woke up and say no way am I going to be just a machine! It feels that way at times, but it doesn't have to be! I own my life and I shall determine my worth! So (with the help of bird), I begin my quest for finding out my own values! It's been an exciting journey, learning, growing and observing. I'm on a journey without perfect map but I do have a compass and that's my heart and soul.

Umbrella for good

It's a rainy Monday morning. The usual me would have dreaded the rainy weather on my way to work. But something quite different set out itself today. I find myself enjoying putting on layers of clothes as if its winter ( of course that's exaggerating) and cooling weather some how makes the air feels more refresh. And as I was waiting for the bus, I find myself enjoying the sight of different umbrella opening itself like a present as people getting off the bus. You know like those peek a boo game adults play with us when we were kiddo. The opening of closed umbrella n reveal the designs instantly reminds me of that peek a boo fun! I enjoyed it. Saw a mr happy collections umbrella with diff characters printed on it. By the way, its a guy holding on to that umbrella which is awesomely adorable! Umbrella has always been more of an practical essential instead of decor so when I choose an umbrella. As long as its plain and light, I'm good about it. But today as I took glimpse of people's umbrella. I have a different perspective. Maybe having a cute happy umbrella actually helps to uplift the mood of people, passerby on rainy days. ( as I wrote this in the bus, I saw a tigger Winnie the Pooh umbrella and a rainbow colour piece passed by.) this makes me feel like designing some happy umbrellas to cheer people up or to play with the "cats and dogs" in this rainy weather:)

Something about books

Just sat among heaps of books, taking a glimpse of each book. Big and small. Business books, spiritual well beings books, Creative books and not forgetting Winnie the pooh. I am not as book fan as Bird, but I love books, words, language of expressions and the smell of books, oh and I love papers! The yellowish brown pages where words are inked, the "freckles" on old books, the accidental dog eared pages, the hard cover, the soft cover, the attractive covers that speaks to you like love at first sight, the magic of fonts on the cover that seems to whisper so quietly the story beneath. E copies of books are readily available, but there is something simply incomparable to hard copies of books with ink and paper. Each book has a character of its own, waiting to be explored, discovered and fall in love. If dog is man's best friend, book is man's soul mate. 

As I'm writing this post, I'm looking at my surrounding of books;
1. Damn good advice (for people with talent) by Adman, George Lois
2. What's your life's work? by Bill Jenson
3. Be tha mircale by Regina Brett
4. Self healing with Reiki by Penelope Quest
5. 100 dollar startup by Chris Guillebeau
6. Cash in a flash by Mark Victor Hansen & Robert G. Allen
7. The many adventures of Winnie the Pooh
8. The Tao of Warren Buffett by Mary Buffett & David Clark
9. Heart, Smarts, Guts and Luck
10. Life's little Detour by Regina Brett

It's good to have a balanced diet of books, meaning a mix of different genre of books will be good for over all well being of us. Just like a balanced diet :)

Books have been a life saver in various aspect of my life and I can say that it marks a pivotal moment in my life journey at different stages. Osho is a turning point, Alchemist resonates with the explorer in me, Little Prince is a reminder of little things in life, Anna and mister god is the child in me, Starbucks pour your heart into it fuels my love of business and passion in doing good, 100 dollar startup is insights and energy booster of possibilities, oh and not forgetting Tuesday with Morrie, a guidance to life and love. What books have accompany you and being an angel all these while?

Appreciating our living space, our home

Went for x ray today and walk along the quieter side of orchard road. Spotted a tiny lizard seemingly trying hard to find a good position to get a good weekend tan with its head sheltered by the leaf. And beautiful white flowers along the way. Whether its man planted or natural growth, being a city with limited land, this little effort in acknowledging the beauty I nature and bringing it in our urban landscape is a significant and commendable greatness. Maybe patriotism is simple the ability to appreciate the little beauty around us. I have been told that the sky in Australia is beautifully blue. At the back of my mind is Singapore does have beautiful blue sky too. Of course no places can be totally the same but recognizing beauty and goodness of the place we live in definitely open up a wider grander perspective to life as a whole.

When the best optimum performance is not result based

I have been trying to wake up early and leave home for work earlier so I could possibly be early. The key is I was trying to break any habit that may be bad. Not for company but for myself. But today leaving at around the same time I arrived at the usual place I change a bus later than the timing u aimed for to catch a bus so I could be early. I got almost frustrated an disappointed with myself just because I couldn't catch the bus which I intended to. I rushed on without getting breakfast. I knocked onto some people who I still think could practice a little consideration for peak hour rush by keeping to one side of the escalator. And as I reached the bus stop with no bus in sight, I started to hear the voice of resentments for myself on a simple thing "what's difference between today's walking speed and previously. Did I walk slower? I should have be more of my timing when I walk" On and on, I hear theses voices till I suddenly realise jeez why am I beating myself up over not able to catch the bus when I have been late for almost the longest time. So I let myself take a back step an instead of focusing when is the next bus coming, I look at the person inside me and here're some lessons I learnt:

1. Whatever that has been causing me distress comes from within, the standards and rules I set for myself. Because I don't care if I'm late since I stayed later during knock off hours. I don't care about whether my boss is happy about it. So why I care this time round, because perhaps out of some habits, I quickly set standards subconsciously when I made my mind to break the habit of being late. While it is good to be aware of habits and make changes, one even more important thing that I have to know is I need to be kinder to myself even though there is a standard to meet. My belief that standards r here to meet if not it loses its purpose is probably not frame in the best perspective. Standards are here to be met but the purpose is whatever objective, vision that benefits. It's not about meeting that standards. It's not about the numbers, in this case, it's not about catching the 8.25am bus. It's about making changes and breaking habits.

2. Appreciate and congrats ourselves for making any baby steps progress will bring us much closer to the intended objective instead of questioning myself for not having optimum performance.

3. The best performance is not results based but how well we could dance through any situation with agility physically, emotionally, spiritually. The best performance leaves room for audience to not just applaud but also learn something or reflect on their own stories and gain insights through the dance.

Familiarity doesn't equate to most effective, or guaranteed results.

Learn a lesson today while trying to find a way to get to lunch with Bird's family. After Chiro at a mall, I got out of the mall with two choices; a. to walk a pretty good long way (probably 15mins walk thanks to all the rerouting due to the constructions) to the train station. or b. walk towards left to bus stop, hop on a bus, get to a next train station, or change a different bus to town area. Looking at both ways, I couldnt see train station nor bus stop. I decided to take option b, head towards nearest bus stop. Reason? Simple! Because I don't like to take u turn, and I prefer forward moving, then going back wards. So I rather be a station nearer to why I intend to go, than to be one station further. Anyway, as I arrived at the bus stop, I realise the bus I had in mind doesnt stop at next train station. Ooops! Immediately, I found next bus on the list (Bus 105) which I'm familiar with the number, see that it passes few train station so my mind set into an auto mapping gps mode, mapping which is the best route to take as I was waiting dutifully for the bus. And suddenly another bus passes by the bus stop slowly (bus 502) It's an express bus! And suddenly like a light bulb being switched on, I turned around at the direction board at bus stop. Jeez! 502 is an express bus that go straight to where I'm supposed to have lunch! I don't have to switch buses, or trains! Voila! I felt a sudden surge of stupidity!!!! Why didn't check the route of this bus in the first place?! I could have boarded the bus! I was almost getting harsh on my negligence. However, an insight struck me! I ask myself again, why didn't I check the timing of this bus in the first moment I look at the board. Answer? Simple! Because it is not a bus I'm familiar with. It's not in my mind! I realize how often we are almost always following the "natural" path, the familiar! My mind was busy mapping for alternative routes to get to the restaurant when there is a simple clean clear route waiting for me just right there! 

Lessons: 

1. This reminded me of the 3 feet from Gold concept! Sometimes, we get too caught up with the one way we know and we totally forgotten about other possibilities and objective. Imagine if the guy who tried to mine gold, were to dig it from the other side. Voila! Of course, I didn't find gold today, neither did I finish any napoleon hill's book yet. But the lesson I learn is that doing something familiar may be good. But it may not be the best way! Maybe the best way lies just a few feet from you. (In my case, the best way was indeed right there on the board few inches from me!) 
2. Sometimes, as we work hard, we have to continuously ask ourselves, is this the best way? Familiarity doesn't equate to most effective, or guaranteed results. Let us ask ourselves, what have we been doing the same way all the time? Is there any possibility we could do it other wise to reach a better result. 
3. If you see some possibilities, would you be ready to give it a try?! Do you have that gut!? 
4. Personally, I also realise perhaps it will be good to always prime our minds to look for better ways (not that current way is not good enough, but priming our minds to look for better ways indirectly have already formed a chain of energy that could possibly lead you to the "new and more efficient way") so that we will be more ready to accept it when that "way" reveal itself. Because I could have saw that bus passes by slowly and didn't turn my head around to check the route and continue waiting for the other bus (where I have to switch buses or train to get to my destinations) Imagine this. How would my scenarios be? But because I was trying to look for a better way so I won't be late for lunch! 

Instead of saying I'm nowhere, say I'm half way there to my goal

I'm supposed to do some work but well I can't focus and so decided to just do a recount of what I been through:

1. Finally went for first Chiropractic consultation after years of being told to do so by brother bear. It's expensive! Seriously if I charge a t shirt design for $300, it wouldn't even cover my consultation cost! haha Need to not work smart, but earn smart!! Anyway, guess this is the first time I'm allowing myself to spend $$ on my personal well being. The fact that I didn't go for chiro is mainly because with a standard amount of saving and no sudden out pour of $$ from the sky, to be able to afford for what my family needs is much more of a priority. But recently guess my body is seeking for my attention in various outlets! First, I had outbreak of rashes (which is still going on). Doc name it eczema. Well whatever it is, I believe in Bird not being too caught up with terms Doc used. And I spent almost $200 in total or more on trying to get rid of rashes and recover to before. Rashes are still popping out here and there. Follows by my neck seems to have no strength to support my heavy head and feels sharp pain when I try to turn too much. 3 weeks! not much of recovery! And follows by my wisdom tooth outbreak on the right! Jeez, can I deny the fact that my body is really longing for my attention and trying to tell me something.

2. Started reading about Reiki from a book Bird got for me! Again, Bird is my owl angel! haha bringing me "soul foodie" to buzzy bee who seems breaking apart physically. It makes me want to paint what I visualise. Self healing is the word. At 30, I'm beginning to see that achievements and growth is not just material results but most importantly well being and the ability to take care of my own well being, emotionally, physically, spiritually because in fact is the only thing we have power to influence.

3. Had a breakdown of emotions last night, didn't quite know why. I'm glad I have Bird to share my thoughts with and how I'm trying to understand what is that one thing I have to let go. I'm thankful that Bird instead of blaming me being unreasonable and emotional (which most of people does), he told me I made progress! YES! PROGRESS! my magic word! haha progress in that I didn't start blaming myself for getting emotional and recognise my effort in trying to reframe my mind. I am probably didn't fully know how to do it yet, but I'm to figure out. Because I'm sick of being in this downward spiral so suddenly out of no where and feeling lost and helpless. I didn't see it that I progress. I almost question myself why am I behaving this way again. But instead I took a practical approach of asking how do I live better?

4. Have an insight, instead of viewing myself at a lost junction, not knowing where to head to, I could see that this is not the end! This is the beginning of a new journey that calls upon a more powerful mindset, skills. 20's is about experiencing things, growing, learning. When I didn't see growth or major progress now doesn't mean I'm not progressing. It could simply means! I have done good, learn well in my 20's. Now it's time to rock n roll! Enjoy what my skills and knowledge have brought me. Recognize the achievements, tell myself I have reach the destination of my career. Now it's time to get on and surf the wave alittle. Be flexible. Be kind to myself. Trust that I'm already on the way I'm supposed to be on. Instead of saying I'm nowhere, say I'm half way there to my goal! wow! it feels great to say this thing out isn't it!

An Angel

I met an angel today. Beautiful, charming, smart, brilliant with sparkles in the eyes. Yet behind these, as she spoke, I sense a a deep anguish in her voice, sadness behind those sparkles in the eye and a deep sense of longing to re live her life, to have a chance to re choose her path. She is an angel who remind me to always choose who I am.

Books hand picked by birdie

Bird is feeding bee with knowledge and fun exploring through books. This is just a slice of the books I have over a weekends! Haha if books were like cookies and I could chom chom chom them up. Actually I love books! As much as I love cookies! Butter cookies. You know how butter cookies during cold night makes you smile. Well I assume you know. Because I sure do. Good books are like cookies during cold days too. It keeps u warm and zest you up with excitement and energy. So much to explore! Best of all, in each book I see myself.. And how I would love to be or do. Bird really knows me well! So much to learn!

That hug

I'm very upset! And yes it's time to grow up! Live a life I envision and prove myself I can do it! Be the woman who rules! Haha sometimes times reveal to you what you supposed to do. Guess one thing leads to another and yea.. Everything I can see or feel is propelling for me to get out of the box! Thank the universe! The star (well just one tiny one that I can see) from the darkness of my room is beautiful. This is one of those night I'm thankful there is a star who listens to me and gave me a hug in the way it makes me feel.
All I want is a big hug and long one that keep me warm inside now! A hug that tells me that I'm understood and everything will be alright. A hug that makes me feel loved! A hug that says it will take care of everything. A hug that show me so much to look forward to. A hug! That hug!

lovely blog i found

http://www.oldbrandnewblog.com

Nice browsing this blog on a Sunday lazy afternoon:)

WALK ON BY

Forgiveness, Letting go, love

 Woke up to a loving weather. Blue sky + Green leaves rustling in the breeze. 

Thanks for this natural beauty that bring me back with peace from the nightmare that seems to trap me in some state of darkness. Reading Louise Hay's book "You can heal your life"in my room where the daylight brightens me up a little. This chapter about forgiveness and how whenever we are ill, we need to look around to see who it is that we are need to forgive. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. The best I did was to forget or in a way didn't want to remember. But at times, a nightmare come into picture and drag me down into the spiral of darkness. I remember and it didn't feel good at all especially when I woke up feeling entrapped in a state I know I shouldn't be in. 

What have been helping me all these while is the fact that I'm a practical and logical person (at least I think so) and I believe in forward motion, there is no time to waste in holding on to the past. I moved on. But at times, a nightmare like this set me into the fear devil that feed on my guilt. In every occasions like this, I just shove it aside, get up and get in motion and indulge in doing other "more important things for now". It works. But it doesn't cure. Getting in motion is a painkiller. I know I didn't want that pain killer anymore. It's not going to do well for me in long run. 

"Forgiveness means giving up, letting go. It has nothing to do with condoning behaviour. It's just letting the whole thing go. We do not have to know how to forgive. All we need to do is to be willing to forgive. The universe will take care of the hows." - from the book. 

This statement is comforting because the truth is I do not know how. And I know this will affect a lot more than I think in future if I didn't let go. Your greatest fear is sometimes your greatest guilt. And I didn't want to live in fear.

"We understand our own pain so well. How hard it is for most of us to understand that they, whoever they are we need most to forgive, were also in pain. We need to understand that they were doing the best they could with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge they had at that time."

I can't use my mind to forgive or think of how to let go. I have to feel the heart aches and tell it that everything is ok and let it go. Everything is good. I'm good. I can't negotiate with the mind any more, I do not want to tell myself what I did was for the best. I do not want to question myself why I did something that even way before I knew this would be the outcome. I do not want to negotiate and rationalize any more. I do not want to tear each time I read about forgiveness because it's something I struggling to do and choose to ignore. I do not want to feel weak. I want to let go. I want to be strong. I want to know I have the right to do what is best for myself. I believe in there is only one life. This life. I love teachings of Buddhism, but there is just one thing I find it hard to accept. We plant a seed, good or bad, and some day maybe in next life time, the seed will ripen and we sow the fruit. I don't like to think about Karma. In fact I think why have a word "karma" to instill fear and discipline how we live and act. We each have to hold responsibility for our action and living. If we are disciplined because we are afraid then that isn't living our consciousness fully truthfully isn't it. I respect every religion and its teaching. Buddhism has a lot that resonates with me and help me along the way. Guess I shall just live with what works for me. Every moment we should be doing good out of will and not governed by a "concept" that any not good action will be punished. 

I believe in love, not fear.

I choose to love myself.

Moment by moment we grow..

A lot have been happening recently or rather a lot have been going through my mind. I been going through some sort of roller coaster rides emotionally. From peak to down and pick myself up again. That's really essential. What I have learnt recently is that the key is not about picking myself up, that's not a strong commitment to live. The key is to raise myself up and be on a positive note every moment, ride on with the forward motion!

So here's what on my mind most of the time for the past weeks till now:
1. Wedding stuffs
I'm happy is finally almost confirmed on a date and venue. Even signed a package for photo shoot. I'm always the one directing shoots, now its my turn to be the subject. I wonder how the role reversal works for me. But I'm looking forward to it. Seems like fun!

2. Zesting up for a new reality
I have always been wanting to do my own business. Reason simple. I think life is too short to be not living what I could envision. I'm a designer so yeah I consider myself to be good at visualizing. I have been studying a book Bird passed to me some time ago. Yes. Study! The book is like a textbook to me now. Highlighting, making notes, folded pages as reminders. Mapping what I learn, asking myself questions after questions. (I would say they are good questions) "What is my passion, my skills, who can I help and why do I feel so driven for it. Sounds like simple questions, they are, only that there could be millions answers to those questions. So I have to prep myself to be sharp enough to listen to my heart speaks and feel my heart pulsate towards what it is that got my adrenaline rush on up. Questions, after questions, answers after answers. I define, refine and keep finding that ultimate answer. I got impatient at some point, frustrated by my stagnant progress. This time round, I pushed myself further, deeper. I learn to step outside something to have a clearer picture of it to plan my next moves. And gradually, it seems that the saying "everything happens for a good reason, everything is interconnected" rings true. Piece by piece, things, directions seem to be revealing itself to me. Now I can feel how the little lime plant in my office grows so ever slowly. It's actually growing. It's simply too small to be noticed. It takes time to grow. And as long as we focus our mind on our ultimate goal with all out heart, the universe will gear us towards where we want to be by revealing its clue or call it magic bit by bit. We just have to be focused to be aware of those hints of how to get to where we want to be.

3. What we read and think will help in how we approach life.

4. Alone is not enough. We could combine power in mastermind group. Somehow read about this but didn't really see its significance till recently when I saw this in its simplest form how a friend of mine calling upon resources he know to make things work. This reminds me of somewhere I read that we sometimes have more resources than we think we have.

5. This post was written in two parts and as I'm writing this I'm happy that Bird found a really nice word that synchronize with how I relate to myself and what I do and would love to do. The magic word is "Alchemist"!! Perfect! Turning base metals to gold! Woohooo!!! Turning unnoticed talents into driven entrepreneurs. Turning niches into business that work. Awe in excited!

6. It feels great to work on our growth in our own terms without having to wait for someone to grant you so or wait for the situation allows. Contribute to greater good in the way I know how and am good at. Thank you Bird!

Seeing in different angles

Designed some simple graphics patterns with colourful shapes like hour glasses and disintegrated hourglass to illustrate time.

"Time is not about how much we accomplished. It's about how much we choose to live." - wrote this on the card to remind myself to live instead of keep trying to achieve.

I value growth and achievement. But thought there could b other perspectives to it.

Something I'm quite proud of today:
Kept quiet throughout meeting instead of trying to offering solutions to situations where any solutions given would be deem useless in some way.

Instead I learnt to smile more and engage in getting to know someone more. Her daughter is beautiful. Charming cheerful smile like hers.

I do a little humor as I allow my heart to be lighter today. Instead of being frustrated on certain unnecessary requests and pull a long face, I smile and crack a joke.

I did some technical drawings which would usually agitate me and make me doubt my worth. Again humor works a little and guess after the black out. episode recently, I kind of learn to take things easier. I drew them as instructed by bro bear who sat right beside me. Instead of sounding frustrated or uncooperative, I asked for his comments, how he wanted it and tried my best to illustrate what he have in mind. And as for my worth, well guess even though drawing technical stuffs is not what I would consider an exciting challenge or proud achievements, I did help to put what is in the mind to the paper. (that's a designer's original job anyway).

Had dinner with Bird, browse a book on many "whys" on earth, that kind of satisfy my quest or thirst for growth somehow. Yea it's not something phenomenon that I learnt or achieve but well any increase in knowledge is baby steps of human growth isn't it.

Lessons, holiday, life

Baby durian found in ubin:) There are soft!

Birds gliding in the sky in evening

I love Cycling.. in nature:D

Beautiful flower spotted by Bird

sitting by the pool, dreaming of being rich

"Swimming" love the view!!

Bird trying to snap a pic of a cat with jade color eyes:)

These been how I spent my time past few days, in fact over the weekends. My one week leave is coming to an end. Tomorrow is back to work. But before I slipped back into a every day's routine, thought I could note some of my experience here:

Had a great time at weekend stay over at Changi Village hotel. Well mainly because the rooftop with quiet swimming pool that opens up to the vastness of sea view and unlike roof top in MBS (which is cluttered with all sort of people), its really simple and idyllic here with birds chirping and flying around. And in the evening, there are bars, local or asian food line up just beside the hotel. It's like an island within an island feel for me. It's a short boat ride to Ubin which opens up to a rustic nature, birds soaring in the evening sky. I saw a pair of toucan birds, large birds, swallows, wild boars, many dogs and baby durian, a beautiful tranquil quarry lake with such nice water. And I'm grateful that I have Bird with me in all these beautiful pictures:)

A lesson about Richness:

In the evening, sitting by the pool with Bird, soaking in the ambiance, browsing magazine that showcases luxury watches, I can't help wondering how could I be rich, what business could I do to be rich to enjoy such exclusivity. I fight for growth, fight for increment, fight for fulfilment but being rich is never in my mind. I just wanted to have enough. What's enough? Well now to think of it, I'm not quite sure of that definition except that perhaps I'm being brought up to do enough, earn enough and keep trying to make enough. But the moment of tranquility by the pool opens up another perspective, another possibilities; Being rich is not for the rich only, being rich is for everyone. Richness comes in many forms. Being with Bird is an enriching experience. Being able to watch the birds and sunset, smell the flowers is richness. Love is richness. Most of all, it's alright to be rich. Maybe some of us are brought up in environment, thinking being rich means sacrifices of time, love and peace. But that night, something shifted in my mind or perhaps soul, rich is enriching. Rich can means growth, exclusivity, contributions, embrace of people, sharing joy, love and peace, power to give and many more. Rich encompasses different interconnectedness among various emotions. To be rich in monetary term, perhaps we have to begin with feeling rich in our consciousness (awareness), feel rich to give.

A lesson on how negotiating conflict in times of crisis is possible:

At night, we decided to watch a seminar video held by Tony Robbins, Negotiating conflict: Leadership in times of crisis. It is amazing how he bring clarity to two persons on polar ends to see each other eyes to eyes and eventually working together to form a association to spread peace. Something that I remember strongly was the subject on the four archetypes that exist in all of us and how to draw power from it. The warrior, magician, lover, sovereign.

A lesson on time:

I been reading a book by Mitch Albom; Timekeeper. "Time became the most precious commodity" something quoted from the book. It has somehow appear in my life for a good reason. At least I think so. I been always worry about not having enough time to do whatever I wanted to do. I worry that I would die too soon with too much dreams unfulfilled. This book shows me a different perspective about time. There is no such thing as time, if we human were not to count it or associate it to something else. We yearn for more time or faster or slower time, all because we associated time to something in our life. Just like I associated tomorrow; Monday to a work day because I have to be at somewhere doing something and everyone calls that a work day. But do we have to? Every day we are doing something, so at work or not, it doesn't have to be known as Monday. Can we associate Monday to fun, excitement? Well we can! And this one week holiday have made me aware of time somehow. Because as each day passes, I'm like getting stressed up about having to go back to work, to face some things that I'm not exactly happy about. But Monday is our time. Besides work, there could be alot more in it. Looking at my activities in one short week, I have many interactions with people, experiences, play, good food, nature, birds, love, knowledge and etc. None of these is really work. I have an issue of not being productive enough. But somehow my heart teaches me that productivity is not about how much work is accomplished but how much I have lived. I do feel that I live a great lot! Being with people I love, experiences that are uplifting. Time perhaps is how much space we gift ourselves. Perhaps guess I would have more to learn after finish reading the book. But right now, yeah! Let us create a space as large as we want in our life.

A lesson on breaths and vision:

I have always have difficulties in breathing once in a long while. Usually at over crowded places with thin air. My vision would turn green, my limbs would be slightly numb and sometimes, my vision would turn black. Yea. I would black out. Some open air and inhaler is good to bring me back. Yesterday, as I had an blackout episode in a bus while sitting down beside Bird. I was pretty much ok, alive, just a little sleepy. I leaned on Bird's shoulder and feeling uncomfortable with the position, I sat up and readjust myself. And suddenly, my vision turned green, breaths became short. Thinking that I would be fine after a while, I was not as fearful. Bird quickly used an inhaler for me to breathe. But my vision turned black. Yes I have consciousness. I tried opening my eyes, but I could only see black. Nothing. I hear voices around me. My limbs turned weak and I lost my strength to speak. Now, I'm really freaking out. I didn't think my life has come to an end. Not like this. That is my thought. I never really like black colour. People in design industry would know white is not a colour. But to me, black is not a colour because it's simply so dark that allows no light to go through, how could colour exist. Of course I know the science of it. But science cant really justify a lot of how we feel. I was so afraid, my thought was so loud "don't tell me I can't see anymore." Bird managed to get me out of the bus, I manage to caught a glimpse of light. But I still can't breathe well, felt really weak. I was so glad Bird is around. Bird brought me to clinic, doctor didn't find anything particularly wrong with me. Very slowly, I breathe again. I regained my energy bit by bit. Everything happened so fast it seems, yet it seems to be a long time. Being able to regain my vision, my energy back to my limbs, my voice, I realise I have so much. Many times, I am obsess with having a vision (a purpose), a dream in life. I have vision to see, to view, to appreciate. That's already a lot. Breathe is invisible, colorless, yet it's something we can't do without. What other things in life are invisible yet we can't do without? This is worth some thoughts.

A glimpse

Bee is finally quieting down to some alone time. Time to recollect, reminisce and perhaps reflect. Been busy with work n follows by activities. I love activities. I love gathering with people who I care. I feel it's a blessing to be invited to someone's home party to celebrate, be it house warming or a kid's birthday. So I attended both this weekends. It's nice to see everyone around; colleagues and friends. Visiting a friend or colleague's home brings much warmth to the relationship, understanding how a family live. Human is about exchanging the art of living together isn't it. Seeing joy in the host's face just makes me feel good. And seeing how a family and friends help each other out in a function like this, simple thing like passing a piece of tissue or clearing some trash, I smile inside and have to agree that there is nothing more important than family and being loved and giving love.

Somehow as I ran through these activities. Something else pop up in my mind today. What is marriage? The debatable question that holds different answers in different people. Today, somehow in a rather strange way, I suddenly able to feel how my mum have felt and understand why she do certain things she do. Suddenly I feel why married friends have to buy dinner back for hubby who is well enough to get his own dinner.

I been with bird into recent activities; house party n birthday party. There was no seat in the room. I naturally look out for seat for bird and keep asking him if he want to eat. He said no, but still I brought a chicken Wong to him on a plate, keep asking him if he want something. Someone asked to use his umbrella while they barbecue in the rain. Naturally, was err should I? Will bird be okay with lending umbrella? When bird is sitting beside me, reading book from iPhone, I'm thinking is he bored? I been thinking of him and naturally putting him first. Suddenly I see myself behaving like how my girl friend behave towards their hubby. I see a different side of me. I want to make sure my partner is okay. My mum used to tell me how people changes and tends to behave like their spouse after they married and asked why are these people so afraid of their hubby. I used to think that yea, why do people change and that women should take their stand. But somehow today I have a glimpse of a different perspective. Perhaps its not about being obedient or fearful of hubby but rather naturally putting them first and want to make sure they are fine, eat well and live well. Maybe that's why my mum keep asking us to eat even though we told her we are full. Perhaps it's something natural to her. Guess if any of my close friends and buddies were to read this post and hear my views will have such a shock and probably laughing at me in disbelief. Probably no one would think I would have such thought because I'm the free spirit in their eyes. I'm the wild child. I'm drift with the wind. Yea. I'm all that but just something to a (I would to call it); a higher level? Well:)

Someone told me that a lady should get a hubby who can take care of her. I absolutely agree. But I think we should not marry with such expectation but rather let us just be giving and asked ourselves what can we give. Put it simply; perhaps marriage begins with mutual respect, trust and caring.

Well here's bee's musing on my long ride home on this cold night.

Feather lightness

Destiny

Just watched a show "Jeff who lives at home". Simple, slow paced script with not too complex details yet show us human how each of us intertwine together in some way or another. All of us have our needs. Needs for warmth, love, attention, achievement, withholding our destiny and the list could go on. Sometimes we think too much about our needs instead of following our hearts. We think and stop as that. We dream about how we want our lives to be. We paint beautiful visuals to convince ourselves that we hold our destiny. Do you believe in that? Maybe everything happens for a reason. Just like how the main lead in the show who follows signs to have an idea what is his destiny. And as it turns out in the show, maybe "destiny" won't reveal itself as a complete picture, it is up to us to have faith and complete it. Whatever it is.

Oh is it a sign? haha I just watched Brave today and it seems its sort of telling me we have destiny in our hands, it's up to us to live it...in our own ways.

Life planner

Yeah! Finally after much contemplation, I end up with a weekly planner for journaling life (out of work). I haven't use a diary successfully before. But I love seeing progress, activities and most of all seeing myself on track. Oh and I love those little stickies inside. Make me wanna custom made more little stickie of birds n flowers n sun n moon for myself. Now the first step is how do I beautify my black journal with colour! Apparently, there just isn't red colour with a content for my liking! I don't like lines and I simply can't write in between those narrow lines. Yeah space is what I need! And I got myself my first sport tank top! Red colour! Does this signify the change Im embracing?! At least I feel so! Just Realise I never like a diary and I never like jogging. But here's a new perspective to both of these. They are tools to facilitate change I need. Jogging or jog walk (sounds more realistic) meet my needs to feel energized from morning air and of course those practice of four breathe in and four breathe out does helps me to focus my mind and ease thoughts that overwhelm me. Diary is to keep me sane till I make big change.

Remain mindful is a key to be appreciative

I was reading kind of intensely in the train, on my way to the east to meet Bird for breakfast. Suddenly something rolled past me and took my eyes from my iPad. It was an indian woman who seated on a handicap mobile bike, apparently steer her bike wrongly and instead of moving front, it rolled back and hit onto another passenger. The passenger was kind to immediately reassure the woman that it's alright. The woman was with a man, I would assume its her husband who carry a plank and laid it on the gap between the platform n train door for the woman to ride her bike over the plank to he platform. Just at this point, the train door is closing n just within a few seconds, the door closes just as the man pick up the plank and move out and place the plank at the back of the woman. Through the whole process, she seems nonchalant to the man and everything around her. It's understandable. She rode fast ahead of the man as they probably heading out of the station. But as an observer, something stirs some thoughts and emotion in me. A visual of a man and woman holding hands strolling along a park appear in my mind. This seemingly small and simple gestures and so much. Imagine riding the mobility bike and not able to hold hand with the partner. I feel for it, for her, for that moment. Maybe I'm feeling too much. But that's a call to be appreciative for each and every moment and gestures with thankfulness and grace. How would the man feel when the woman riding fast ahead seemingly filled with resentment. Well I have to clarify that all this is simply a slice of my perspectives. But frankly, this moment, situation and perspective is common and could happen to anyone of us. What we do? It's tough to remain thankful when there is something not so nice happen to us. This is the truth, but it is also important to be conscious about how we hold our perspectives and how our reactions, actions could affect people, loved ones around us.

Life in rainbow

Have been finding it so hard to settle down and write even though ideas, thoughts, words have been popping in and out. Finally, I'm on leave. Long awaited. Though it's just a few days but sometimes all you need is just that few days to get away from things, responsibilities for others and be responsible for myself. Jump out of bed, paranoid about work, make some phone calls and texts to settle things. Go back to bed and can't sleep. Woke up to breakfast and reading papers. Started raining heavily as the sun comes out to join the fun. My mum was saying the weather is mad. I told her excitedly "that means there is chance for rainbow!" I don't know exactly why I love rainbow so much! I just get excited each time I see one, knowing each one is a miracle that I seen. 

Because rainbow is created only at that precise angle where the sun shines its light on the little droplets of moisture in earth's atmosphere.

It shows the beautiful colours in a spectrum of light which we don't usually see in light we experience. In fact, I google about rainbow and visibility and realise its a gift that human can see such beautiful colours because most animals can't, except birds!!! Birds could see wider range of colors than us!! aww that is getting me sooo excited!!! And Im thankful that Birds can see colours because if not, they wouldn't know the beauty of their feathers eh. We tends to forget the gifts we have as human and not able to see our true power and beauty within. It is always here. We are born with gifts, it is up to us to unwrap each gift and let it shine. 

Speaking of rainbow, I used to look for it and hope I could see one. I will look up the sky and wonder where are the rainbow. How come I don't see one. I will feel disappointed when it seems everyone sees it except me and when I really do see one, I hope it could last longer. Or there are times when I literally run after a rainbow, trying to catch a better glimpse of it, but by the time, I reach there, its gone. I was disappointed once again. 

However, what I really miss is not the rainbow. What I really miss is living, life, miracles because beauty of rainbow exists in me. 

It is a gift that I am born to be able to witness rainbows. 

Each of us is like a light. We are made of beautiful colors. 

We can choose to recognize our colors, our gifts and let it shine.

There is no need to be disappointed where everyone sees it except me. Because the rainbow already exist in us, in the things we see, in our perspectives of things, in the life we touch. 

There is no need to wish it lasts longer because we can choose to let our "rainbow" shines, paint a beautiful picture and let our beauty lasts as long as we want.

There is no need to chase after rainbow because it is here. It has always been. 

Well,  I didn't see rainbow in the sky today. But as I look up, here's a beautiful sun rays shining through the dark clouds, shining its glorious beauty upon us. I wonder how many have witness this moment? Are we getting too used to being too busy to look up the sky and marvel at its grandeur? How many things have we missed when we are busy making things happen? 

This reminds me of a line in the song "Beautiful boy" by John Lennon; 

"Life is just what happens to you,

While your busy making other plans,"