Happy New Day

It's new year eve. Mark of a new beginning very soon. Today, while the chiropractor adjusting for a little girl and asking her if she is excited about the new year 2013. The little girl didn't seems to response to the question. And straight after her adjustment, she just walked excitedly to the kids' session in the clinic n started coloring a picture of a Barbie doll in a pretty dress. Her whole focus was on making that beautiful dress colourful! Somehow it dawn on me that perhaps, to children, there isn't a need for new year eve or new year day to look forward or excited about because to them everyday is a new day! Happy new day is much more endearing that happy new year. Why wait for 12 months to have a resolution or celebrate with count down when we can be counting our blessing each end of day n be excited about a new day to come.

Celebrating the Completion of a Life Legacy

More important than being a time for mourning, death should be a celebration of a life beautifully lived.

A time to remember all those wonderful moments spent will amazing people; family & friends.

A time to celebrate the completion of a person's life legacy.

A time for sharing lots of love, laughter & light.

A time to share your sparks.

Mixed feelings

Bee haven't feel so sick in a long while. I was so happy about my long awaited leave, finally a break from work. It was a hard-earned leave! I know there are still colleagues who are still busying through the new year. I contemplate about taking off now. But somehow I feel like I may break down any time if I continue working. There seems to be so much happening past few weeks. So much I want to journal down, so much I have learn. I needed time off to recollect myself.

But who knows, I been sick since day one of my leave. Down with nasty flu that seems to escalate into fever that goes higher and higher. Perhaps due to an over estimation of my own body immune system, thinking that it can fight the flu without antibiotics. I was literally heating away last night and nothing seems to be able to bring down the temperature. The fever also make me giddy or perhaps a little delirious. I was getting really emotional though I'm not sure what about. I woke up halfway, hands were numb. Got out of my room and just nice my dad came back for a while. I told him my hands are numb. Feeling my feverish hands, he quickly took me to the kitchen and use cold towel to wipe my face and hands. My eyes were tearing away, vision blurred, I closed my eyes. My body felt weak. It's also at this moment that I felt my dad's palm so huge and on contrary, my palm seems like a baby still. At the same time, my mum came over and she said something which for the first time I started to wonder if she really knows what she is talking about or is it simply out of habit that she said that. I cant help but to question jeez is her only way of expression of love is through scolding. She was nagging at me for eating too much snacks and saying that I wont listen to her. This is exactly the same statement she would say to me or my dad whenever I told her I'm feeling sick. Can you imagine, she said that when I'm in primary school, secondary school, my tertiary years and now even when I'm well in my thirties. Those were the same exact words that never change! Frankly, if I were any stronger at that moment, I would have screamed at her. Firstly, I haven't take much snacks recently, secondly, what good can it do by nagging people when they are on the verge of collapsing and what they need most is love, support and perhaps a hug. I'm still feeling the frustration or disgust as I am writing this. I hate to be wronged by people and I especially hate to be wronged by my mum when I'm sick! I have been trying very hard to neutralize this emotion in me by recognizing that my mum do care too. It's just that perhaps I have grown too big that she have no idea how to care for me. This was something came to my mind last night too. Suddenly as emotion welled up and she nagging away, I realise maybe she has been so reliant on me all these years that she already forgotten how to take care of me.

I'm on leave because I want to rest. I fell sick and I needed rest even more. I told her that I'm on leave, she immediately jumped into asking me when to help her clean up the house, vacuum the floor, go market with her. Seriously, I'm not resenting doing all those. I love to spend them with her, clean up the house. But before all that I needed some rest first. Yes she just went through a minor ops and needed help in some things, but surely she can wait isn't it. I have always been trying to do my best for her, answer to her needs as fast as I could. But nothing seems enough. I'm down with flu and her priority is on cleaning up the house. This doesn't make sense to me. Last night when I thought she came into my room, switch on my lights to see how I'm doing. I was so disappointed that she came in to ask me paste plasters on her back when I'm on a high fever of near 40 degree Celsius. Why does it always have to make me put up a cold face towards her before she could give me more breathing space. I don't enjoy doing that. Is she that oblivious to my needs? As much as she needs me, don't she realise I need her to be a mother too, I need her to stand on her own at times. 

After-Thoughts:
Recognize the good in someone, at the same time knowing that no one is perfect. 
We must constantly be aware of our surrounding, ourselves, our life forms and stages, in order to be sharp enough to eliminate things, habits that no longer serves us anymore.
The parents and the child are both children of the universe. Both needing and deserve love and care.

Happy birthday - music "rejoice" by Peter Makena

This is such a loving birthday song:) It means so much. Music is natural healer to the souls and celebration of birth.

Are you quiet enough to hear the music of your soul?

"The dunes change with the wind,
but the desert remains the same."
~ Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist

Spirit sings for those who listen with their hearts.
Are you quiet enough to hear the music of your soul?

This is the music that remains the same,
even when tomorrow never came.

The Sparks that Make Life Rich & Worth Living.

Love, laughter & light. Passion, joy & colours.
These are the sparks that make life rich & worth living.

The Illuminating Brilliance of Death

You might be wondering why I would describe death as illuminating... Death is often portrayed as dark and scary... But this is not the true nature of death. This dark and scary image of death is nothing more than our collective projection... It is nothing more than the projection of our own fears.

The truth is, death illuminates life. Death brings about a sort of clarity that is hard to grasp in our day-to-day 'busying'. Until you understand and accept the inevitability of death, you can't really begin to comprehend and appreciate the gifts of life.

Death holds the power to penetrate the veil of illusion that masquerades as reality. Contemplate death and you will glimpse into what it truly means to be alive.

Love is Regenerative

This is the first time I see this plant flowering... It's been ten days since dad's passing... Time flies.

I remember thinking to myself a few months back that this particular plant was withering away from neglect and might not be around for much longer... Now it's flowering.

Everything begins with love and love is regenerates itself. Love is the only thing that endures the relentless passing of time.

Filling up Loss with Love

"When faced by any loss, there's no point in trying to recover what has been; it's best to take advantage of the large space that opens up before us and fill it with something new." ~ Paulo Coelho in Aleph

I shall start filling this space in front of me with love.

Holding Hands

This is Sam. He has been an Omega Service Technician since 1st Nov 1966.

Dad gave me his watch 2 years ago & reminded me change the batteries when it stops ticking.

Like his heartbeat, his Omega Constellation has stopped ticking.

Uncle Sam is helping me to change the batteries & adjusting the strap to fit my wrist.

Near the end of his life, dad lost a lot of weight. Still, I noticed that his hands were bigger than mine. Minutes before his passing, he held my left wrist with his left hand & I did the same. We locked hands for a brief but meaningful moment. Wearing this watch is the closest I can get to having dad hold my hand now.

Always Choose Love

Everything we experience is nothing more than a reflection of who we are. We create our own experience.

If we are addicted to worry, we will always find something to worry about. If we are addicted to anger, we will always find something to be angry about.

If we practice gratitude, we will always find something to be grateful for. If we choose love, we will always find lovable people around us.

Love

Love is for giving

Love is forgiving.
Forgive and you shall begin to understand.
Give and you shall begin to receive.
Love and you shall begin to live.
Love is for giving.

- by Alex & Jeanine, in loving memory of my dad, Mike Chua.

Fearing Death vs Loving Life

There are so many sides to a person... How can our perspectives ever be wholesome & complete?... Let go of any judgements & assumptions. Just love. Only love is real & love is for giving. Forgive & only then will you begin to understand.

Bird make bee utterly touched!

I never really understand why do people tear when they feel touched. I always envy and wonder how that happens.

I have my answer today. Bird just text something that totally describe how I feel even without myself knowing how to describe that feeling. Imagine me reading message on my phone over a bowl of leftover instant noodle soup and the next moment tears just flow uncontrollably down my cheeks and my heart feel totally touched! Yes! Touched, hugged.. That very moment filled with so much gratefulness that I meet bird in my life and having this gift to be with him, sharing our lives.

On Happiness in the Face of Death

"Memories are sweet, create and cherish them."

On Happiness in the Face of Death
My dad has final stage liver cancer... and facing the impending approach of the Angel of Death, he decides to smile. Here are 3 instances where he was smiling so beautifully... I would always remember these beautiful moments.

1. 5th December 2012 - My dad was in critical condition on Saturday, 1st December 2012. There were complications and he had blood in his stools. We were asked to choose between using endoscopic procedures to diagnose and treat his condition or to put him on medication drips via intravenous therapy. We decided not to opt for scope as the doctor advised that it was risky for him to go through such a procedure at that time.

Dad was put on drips and there were lots of tubes inserted to both his arms and wrists. His condition improved slowly over the next 4 days but there was blood in his stool again on Wednesday, 5th December 2012. He insisted that the doctor do a scope for him so he knows what exactly is the problem. My dad has always been strong, independent and stubborn. Once he has decided, it is not likely that any of us can convince him to change his mind.

As the team of nurses and doctors gathered around his bed to prepare to push him to the surgery room, he began to sing “I Will Follow You” by Ricky Nelson, followed by "The Wedding” by Julie Rogers". He was smiling as he sang. My sister and I were trying unsuccessfully to hide our tears. He was out after 2 hours, safe but visibly weak.

"Life is an hourglass that drips blood instead of sand... and we can't just turn it around and start over. Every drop matters. Every moment is a gift."

2. Thursday, 6th December 2012 - I finally printed some family photos to show my dad and he was really happy to see the photo both of us took together on 26th October 2012, right after he shaved his head bald. As I looked back now, I realise that this was just before his condition took a drastic turn for the worse.

“We're more alike than I realize. I'm 35 and he is 63. In 28 years, I'll be the same age as my dad when this photo was taken. That's not a lot of time.”

3. Sunday, 9th December 2012 - Dad was discharged from Changi General Hospital and I was pushing him out of the room in a wheelchair. As we exited the room into the main corridor of ward 19,  he started waving goodbyes to all the nurses. This was so beautiful to me and it’s an image that will forever be in my mind. I probably didn’t have a direct view of his smile, but somehow I knew it was a beautiful smile and I knew that he was really happy even though he was in pain.

Dad was delighted to finally be able to go home after 14 days of laying in bed 28 without fresh air. He was bedridden for 11 of those 14 days. And for the 3 days prior to his discharge, he was only able to walk with assistance, from his bed to the entrance of the hospital room and back. This was probably less than 6 meters in all and he would be visibly exhausted after each walk.

Happiness really is a choice. I seldom see my dad smiling. In fact, my most lucid memories of him have always been tainted by sadness and anger. I had always know him as being stern, sad and angry. I had always been judgmental of him and it was only during this trying period that I saw with such clarity another side of him that has always been there.

The stars are brightest just at dawn...

Bee: Just back from work (or rather something that I wouldnt consider work because work is life and is meaningful) at 5.30am. Way past sleeping time so I decided to enjoy dawn a little bit more. The stars tonight are specially lit up and seems like there are new stars that I haven't notice before. It's shining, sparkling so brightly. It get me thinking maybe stars are brightest at dawn...

Bird: Yes, Bee, you got it again! The stars are brightest during predawn and/or dawn!
*During dawn (and dusk) it is usually possible (provided that the sky is cloud-free) to see approximately in which direction the sun is (though it's below the horizon). Though it is possible to localize the direction of the sun during astronomical dawn and dusk, people in general experience astronomical dawn and dusk as night, even without clouds. Zenith is dark and more than just the brightest shining stars can be seen (except low above the horizon in the direction of the sun).
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dawn

Bird: In fact, you can even see some planets when the conditions are right ;-P
**December 2012 presents a great big plateful of planetary delights, with all five visible planets shining in the night sky in the first half of the month. Mars and Jupiter come out at evening, but you must be willing to wake up early to catch Venus, Saturn and Mercury in the predawn and/or dawn sky. In their outward order from the sun, the visible planets are Mercury, Venus, (Earth), Mars, Jupiter and Saturn.
Source: http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/visible-planets-tonight-mars-jupiter-venus-saturn-mercury