Forgiveness, Letting go, love

 Woke up to a loving weather. Blue sky + Green leaves rustling in the breeze. 

Thanks for this natural beauty that bring me back with peace from the nightmare that seems to trap me in some state of darkness. Reading Louise Hay's book "You can heal your life"in my room where the daylight brightens me up a little. This chapter about forgiveness and how whenever we are ill, we need to look around to see who it is that we are need to forgive. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. The best I did was to forget or in a way didn't want to remember. But at times, a nightmare come into picture and drag me down into the spiral of darkness. I remember and it didn't feel good at all especially when I woke up feeling entrapped in a state I know I shouldn't be in. 

What have been helping me all these while is the fact that I'm a practical and logical person (at least I think so) and I believe in forward motion, there is no time to waste in holding on to the past. I moved on. But at times, a nightmare like this set me into the fear devil that feed on my guilt. In every occasions like this, I just shove it aside, get up and get in motion and indulge in doing other "more important things for now". It works. But it doesn't cure. Getting in motion is a painkiller. I know I didn't want that pain killer anymore. It's not going to do well for me in long run. 

"Forgiveness means giving up, letting go. It has nothing to do with condoning behaviour. It's just letting the whole thing go. We do not have to know how to forgive. All we need to do is to be willing to forgive. The universe will take care of the hows." - from the book. 

This statement is comforting because the truth is I do not know how. And I know this will affect a lot more than I think in future if I didn't let go. Your greatest fear is sometimes your greatest guilt. And I didn't want to live in fear.

"We understand our own pain so well. How hard it is for most of us to understand that they, whoever they are we need most to forgive, were also in pain. We need to understand that they were doing the best they could with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge they had at that time."

I can't use my mind to forgive or think of how to let go. I have to feel the heart aches and tell it that everything is ok and let it go. Everything is good. I'm good. I can't negotiate with the mind any more, I do not want to tell myself what I did was for the best. I do not want to question myself why I did something that even way before I knew this would be the outcome. I do not want to negotiate and rationalize any more. I do not want to tear each time I read about forgiveness because it's something I struggling to do and choose to ignore. I do not want to feel weak. I want to let go. I want to be strong. I want to know I have the right to do what is best for myself. I believe in there is only one life. This life. I love teachings of Buddhism, but there is just one thing I find it hard to accept. We plant a seed, good or bad, and some day maybe in next life time, the seed will ripen and we sow the fruit. I don't like to think about Karma. In fact I think why have a word "karma" to instill fear and discipline how we live and act. We each have to hold responsibility for our action and living. If we are disciplined because we are afraid then that isn't living our consciousness fully truthfully isn't it. I respect every religion and its teaching. Buddhism has a lot that resonates with me and help me along the way. Guess I shall just live with what works for me. Every moment we should be doing good out of will and not governed by a "concept" that any not good action will be punished. 

I believe in love, not fear.

I choose to love myself.