I'm very upset! And yes it's time to grow up! Live a life I envision and prove myself I can do it! Be the woman who rules! Haha sometimes times reveal to you what you supposed to do. Guess one thing leads to another and yea.. Everything I can see or feel is propelling for me to get out of the box! Thank the universe! The star (well just one tiny one that I can see) from the darkness of my room is beautiful. This is one of those night I'm thankful there is a star who listens to me and gave me a hug in the way it makes me feel.
All I want is a big hug and long one that keep me warm inside now! A hug that tells me that I'm understood and everything will be alright. A hug that makes me feel loved! A hug that says it will take care of everything. A hug that show me so much to look forward to. A hug! That hug!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Forgiveness, Letting go, love
Woke up to a loving weather. Blue sky + Green leaves rustling in the breeze.
Thanks for this natural beauty that bring me back with peace from the nightmare that seems to trap me in some state of darkness. Reading Louise Hay's book "You can heal your life"in my room where the daylight brightens me up a little. This chapter about forgiveness and how whenever we are ill, we need to look around to see who it is that we are need to forgive. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. The best I did was to forget or in a way didn't want to remember. But at times, a nightmare come into picture and drag me down into the spiral of darkness. I remember and it didn't feel good at all especially when I woke up feeling entrapped in a state I know I shouldn't be in.
What have been helping me all these while is the fact that I'm a practical and logical person (at least I think so) and I believe in forward motion, there is no time to waste in holding on to the past. I moved on. But at times, a nightmare like this set me into the fear devil that feed on my guilt. In every occasions like this, I just shove it aside, get up and get in motion and indulge in doing other "more important things for now". It works. But it doesn't cure. Getting in motion is a painkiller. I know I didn't want that pain killer anymore. It's not going to do well for me in long run.
"Forgiveness means giving up, letting go. It has nothing to do with condoning behaviour. It's just letting the whole thing go. We do not have to know how to forgive. All we need to do is to be willing to forgive. The universe will take care of the hows." - from the book.
This statement is comforting because the truth is I do not know how. And I know this will affect a lot more than I think in future if I didn't let go. Your greatest fear is sometimes your greatest guilt. And I didn't want to live in fear.
"We understand our own pain so well. How hard it is for most of us to understand that they, whoever they are we need most to forgive, were also in pain. We need to understand that they were doing the best they could with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge they had at that time."
I can't use my mind to forgive or think of how to let go. I have to feel the heart aches and tell it that everything is ok and let it go. Everything is good. I'm good. I can't negotiate with the mind any more, I do not want to tell myself what I did was for the best. I do not want to question myself why I did something that even way before I knew this would be the outcome. I do not want to negotiate and rationalize any more. I do not want to tear each time I read about forgiveness because it's something I struggling to do and choose to ignore. I do not want to feel weak. I want to let go. I want to be strong. I want to know I have the right to do what is best for myself. I believe in there is only one life. This life. I love teachings of Buddhism, but there is just one thing I find it hard to accept. We plant a seed, good or bad, and some day maybe in next life time, the seed will ripen and we sow the fruit. I don't like to think about Karma. In fact I think why have a word "karma" to instill fear and discipline how we live and act. We each have to hold responsibility for our action and living. If we are disciplined because we are afraid then that isn't living our consciousness fully truthfully isn't it. I respect every religion and its teaching. Buddhism has a lot that resonates with me and help me along the way. Guess I shall just live with what works for me. Every moment we should be doing good out of will and not governed by a "concept" that any not good action will be punished.
I believe in love, not fear.
I choose to love myself.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Moment by moment we grow..
A lot have been happening recently or rather a lot have been going through my mind. I been going through some sort of roller coaster rides emotionally. From peak to down and pick myself up again. That's really essential. What I have learnt recently is that the key is not about picking myself up, that's not a strong commitment to live. The key is to raise myself up and be on a positive note every moment, ride on with the forward motion!
So here's what on my mind most of the time for the past weeks till now:
1. Wedding stuffs
I'm happy is finally almost confirmed on a date and venue. Even signed a package for photo shoot. I'm always the one directing shoots, now its my turn to be the subject. I wonder how the role reversal works for me. But I'm looking forward to it. Seems like fun!
2. Zesting up for a new reality
I have always been wanting to do my own business. Reason simple. I think life is too short to be not living what I could envision. I'm a designer so yeah I consider myself to be good at visualizing. I have been studying a book Bird passed to me some time ago. Yes. Study! The book is like a textbook to me now. Highlighting, making notes, folded pages as reminders. Mapping what I learn, asking myself questions after questions. (I would say they are good questions) "What is my passion, my skills, who can I help and why do I feel so driven for it. Sounds like simple questions, they are, only that there could be millions answers to those questions. So I have to prep myself to be sharp enough to listen to my heart speaks and feel my heart pulsate towards what it is that got my adrenaline rush on up. Questions, after questions, answers after answers. I define, refine and keep finding that ultimate answer. I got impatient at some point, frustrated by my stagnant progress. This time round, I pushed myself further, deeper. I learn to step outside something to have a clearer picture of it to plan my next moves. And gradually, it seems that the saying "everything happens for a good reason, everything is interconnected" rings true. Piece by piece, things, directions seem to be revealing itself to me. Now I can feel how the little lime plant in my office grows so ever slowly. It's actually growing. It's simply too small to be noticed. It takes time to grow. And as long as we focus our mind on our ultimate goal with all out heart, the universe will gear us towards where we want to be by revealing its clue or call it magic bit by bit. We just have to be focused to be aware of those hints of how to get to where we want to be.
3. What we read and think will help in how we approach life.
4. Alone is not enough. We could combine power in mastermind group. Somehow read about this but didn't really see its significance till recently when I saw this in its simplest form how a friend of mine calling upon resources he know to make things work. This reminds me of somewhere I read that we sometimes have more resources than we think we have.
5. This post was written in two parts and as I'm writing this I'm happy that Bird found a really nice word that synchronize with how I relate to myself and what I do and would love to do. The magic word is "Alchemist"!! Perfect! Turning base metals to gold! Woohooo!!! Turning unnoticed talents into driven entrepreneurs. Turning niches into business that work. Awe in excited!
6. It feels great to work on our growth in our own terms without having to wait for someone to grant you so or wait for the situation allows. Contribute to greater good in the way I know how and am good at. Thank you Bird!
So here's what on my mind most of the time for the past weeks till now:
1. Wedding stuffs
I'm happy is finally almost confirmed on a date and venue. Even signed a package for photo shoot. I'm always the one directing shoots, now its my turn to be the subject. I wonder how the role reversal works for me. But I'm looking forward to it. Seems like fun!
2. Zesting up for a new reality
I have always been wanting to do my own business. Reason simple. I think life is too short to be not living what I could envision. I'm a designer so yeah I consider myself to be good at visualizing. I have been studying a book Bird passed to me some time ago. Yes. Study! The book is like a textbook to me now. Highlighting, making notes, folded pages as reminders. Mapping what I learn, asking myself questions after questions. (I would say they are good questions) "What is my passion, my skills, who can I help and why do I feel so driven for it. Sounds like simple questions, they are, only that there could be millions answers to those questions. So I have to prep myself to be sharp enough to listen to my heart speaks and feel my heart pulsate towards what it is that got my adrenaline rush on up. Questions, after questions, answers after answers. I define, refine and keep finding that ultimate answer. I got impatient at some point, frustrated by my stagnant progress. This time round, I pushed myself further, deeper. I learn to step outside something to have a clearer picture of it to plan my next moves. And gradually, it seems that the saying "everything happens for a good reason, everything is interconnected" rings true. Piece by piece, things, directions seem to be revealing itself to me. Now I can feel how the little lime plant in my office grows so ever slowly. It's actually growing. It's simply too small to be noticed. It takes time to grow. And as long as we focus our mind on our ultimate goal with all out heart, the universe will gear us towards where we want to be by revealing its clue or call it magic bit by bit. We just have to be focused to be aware of those hints of how to get to where we want to be.
3. What we read and think will help in how we approach life.
4. Alone is not enough. We could combine power in mastermind group. Somehow read about this but didn't really see its significance till recently when I saw this in its simplest form how a friend of mine calling upon resources he know to make things work. This reminds me of somewhere I read that we sometimes have more resources than we think we have.
5. This post was written in two parts and as I'm writing this I'm happy that Bird found a really nice word that synchronize with how I relate to myself and what I do and would love to do. The magic word is "Alchemist"!! Perfect! Turning base metals to gold! Woohooo!!! Turning unnoticed talents into driven entrepreneurs. Turning niches into business that work. Awe in excited!
6. It feels great to work on our growth in our own terms without having to wait for someone to grant you so or wait for the situation allows. Contribute to greater good in the way I know how and am good at. Thank you Bird!
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