life's moments

Alright I'm still having"hangover" from the "lunar new year holidays" which seems all too rush and unrelaxed. Back in office, but my soul is apparently still gathering itself. Yesterday was the rare time where I stayed over at Bird's on a day that follows by a working weekday. Maybe it's the tension I'm giving myself about having to wake up early to settle in to a unfamiliar routine, or maybe it's the fact that I'm feeling seriously behind time for my "plan" in 2014. "I gotta hurry up" is what I have been hearing at the back of my mind these days in almost whatever I do, wherever I go. Of course there is this rare occasion of being totally in the present and doing some random hill climbing because the birds are too hard to resist. Anyway, I had headache even before I slept, took a pill but didn't solve much. My mind is just too noisy. Woke up at 0345am and couldn't get into sleep with a slight pounding in my head and lots of noise. Tossed and turned in the not too big bed, be careful not to fall, trying not to wake bird up, trying to relax my shoulders, trying to sleep. But trying is a terribly job sometimes. The more I try, the more tensed up I get. I set into a frustrated mode, sat up on bed, started coughing, looking at the closed windows and can't wait to get fresh air. Vaguely glimpse through my surrounding, be careful not to knock things down, walking in and out of the room. I heard myself screaming inside "what the hell are all these", "why and how can anyone live in such an environment", why can't Bird for his and my sake, reorganize the living space. To me, all I see is unnecessary mess. Mess that can be cleared, reorganized for a better "feng shui". I was frustrated and feel unimportant at some point. It was all spiraling down inside me. I need to cool off. My head is still pounding. Noise like "who would put a bed in a living room" (it is to me unacceptable because living space is so essential to me in how they make a person feel and grow), "why is there no mirror above the basin"(it is such a basic thing in my world view), "why is the room not prepared to welcome me as a new member"(flashes of how even though my friends dreaded to move in temporary with their new partner, they at least get proper bed and neat space prepared to welcome them). I can't see light in that darkness for those moment. How I wish Bird feel me and give me a hug. I gather myself to shower, open the front door for space to welcome me in and give me that embrace I so desperately need at that moment. Birds are chirping. I closed my eyes, listening to them, feeling the breeze, seeing the moments where we climbed the hill slope randomly, the birds chasing, the innocent moments of supporting one another during moments where we both in fear, moments I am so touched by little things Bird did, moments where Bird grin at me with an almost child like face. I replaced frustration with appreciation and gratitude. I went in back to the room and sit quietly beside and watch Bird's sleeping away, finally able to have the whole bed for himself. My heart smiled a little. The understanding that it is not that he didn't want to make me feel better but perhaps every individual of us are doing what we think is the best. It is how he live all these years. It's not wrong. Just different.

I went back out to sit in the living room with cooling breeze and birds songs. This thought came to me.. " As much as this http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-9657/10-signs-youve-found-the-one.html is so true and I'm so appreciative to have found my dear Bird, maybe this notion about the "One" should be taken in a broader view. It's not about finding the "ONE" and stops there. To be the "One" with one another involves continuous understanding, explorations, appreciation, love and give & take. Any relationship is a work in progress. Never take "having found the one" for granted. Respect and appreciate the One is essential for a relationship to grow and enjoy bliss and joy.

It's interesting that I came across this article http://www.good.is/posts/relish-in-each-other-s-joy-finding-the-give-and-take-in-relationships  just few moments ago, seems like a perfect sync to what I learnt from the self reflections moments, while I under go a change of mental state. Don't expect people to make you feel good. Know what makes you feel good and do & think more of that.

Bird is up. We headed off to work together. A smooth breezy journey with sun rising in orange gentle glow, birds singing, we even stopped by the road side to admire little weeds and flowers growing through cracks on cement walls. We shared breakfast. We held hands. In the end, these are what matters. To be together in each other's life. To learn to appreciate what we have in our hands.

Of course, I still so looking forward to our own little nest!!!