Bee haven't feel so sick in a long while. I was so happy about my long awaited leave, finally a break from work. It was a hard-earned leave! I know there are still colleagues who are still busying through the new year. I contemplate about taking off now. But somehow I feel like I may break down any time if I continue working. There seems to be so much happening past few weeks. So much I want to journal down, so much I have learn. I needed time off to recollect myself.
But who knows, I been sick since day one of my leave. Down with nasty flu that seems to escalate into fever that goes higher and higher. Perhaps due to an over estimation of my own body immune system, thinking that it can fight the flu without antibiotics. I was literally heating away last night and nothing seems to be able to bring down the temperature. The fever also make me giddy or perhaps a little delirious. I was getting really emotional though I'm not sure what about. I woke up halfway, hands were numb. Got out of my room and just nice my dad came back for a while. I told him my hands are numb. Feeling my feverish hands, he quickly took me to the kitchen and use cold towel to wipe my face and hands. My eyes were tearing away, vision blurred, I closed my eyes. My body felt weak. It's also at this moment that I felt my dad's palm so huge and on contrary, my palm seems like a baby still. At the same time, my mum came over and she said something which for the first time I started to wonder if she really knows what she is talking about or is it simply out of habit that she said that. I cant help but to question jeez is her only way of expression of love is through scolding. She was nagging at me for eating too much snacks and saying that I wont listen to her. This is exactly the same statement she would say to me or my dad whenever I told her I'm feeling sick. Can you imagine, she said that when I'm in primary school, secondary school, my tertiary years and now even when I'm well in my thirties. Those were the same exact words that never change! Frankly, if I were any stronger at that moment, I would have screamed at her. Firstly, I haven't take much snacks recently, secondly, what good can it do by nagging people when they are on the verge of collapsing and what they need most is love, support and perhaps a hug. I'm still feeling the frustration or disgust as I am writing this. I hate to be wronged by people and I especially hate to be wronged by my mum when I'm sick! I have been trying very hard to neutralize this emotion in me by recognizing that my mum do care too. It's just that perhaps I have grown too big that she have no idea how to care for me. This was something came to my mind last night too. Suddenly as emotion welled up and she nagging away, I realise maybe she has been so reliant on me all these years that she already forgotten how to take care of me.
I'm on leave because I want to rest. I fell sick and I needed rest even more. I told her that I'm on leave, she immediately jumped into asking me when to help her clean up the house, vacuum the floor, go market with her. Seriously, I'm not resenting doing all those. I love to spend them with her, clean up the house. But before all that I needed some rest first. Yes she just went through a minor ops and needed help in some things, but surely she can wait isn't it. I have always been trying to do my best for her, answer to her needs as fast as I could. But nothing seems enough. I'm down with flu and her priority is on cleaning up the house. This doesn't make sense to me. Last night when I thought she came into my room, switch on my lights to see how I'm doing. I was so disappointed that she came in to ask me paste plasters on her back when I'm on a high fever of near 40 degree Celsius. Why does it always have to make me put up a cold face towards her before she could give me more breathing space. I don't enjoy doing that. Is she that oblivious to my needs? As much as she needs me, don't she realise I need her to be a mother too, I need her to stand on her own at times.
After-Thoughts:
Recognize the good in someone, at the same time knowing that no one is perfect.
We must constantly be aware of our surrounding, ourselves, our life forms and stages, in order to be sharp enough to eliminate things, habits that no longer serves us anymore.
The parents and the child are both children of the universe. Both needing and deserve love and care.
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