Waking up to books

It's a Saturday morning. I woke up on and off through out the night and early morning. I wanted to sleep longer but my neck and shoulders are so stiff till I could sleep properly. I tried focusin on my breath while lying down. I tried sitting up on my bed to clear my thoughts. And eventually, I open up my cabinets to look for a new note book to maybe start writing something constructive. I love note books. They are like chapters of life. I browse through my old CDs and one which an old friend gave caught my eyes. I love those handwritten titles of songs in a rough piece of paper. The handwriting is not one of the nicest but I love watching handwriting. It's an irony how with more knowledge exposed nowadays, people are writing lesser in hand. I'm guilty of it too. I love writing. Writing makes me feel calm. Just as this space allows me to express myself, reflect and calm down. I write. Maybe I should write more in hand too. CDs are the next thing expressive of each person's characters. Whenever I feel out of tune with people around me, not being able to relate and associate, I go back to my collection of CDs. I feel connected to myself and though they are not really the mainstream music where people listen in this part of the earth. I know since someone bothers to publish it, somewhere out there, there must be people just like me relating and and indulging in this music. And my heart and soul is with them. I am not alone. Yes. Music has that power beyond the words that's been sung, the melody that's been played, music connects people, music makes you feel you are not alone. Music makes me tick when all seems dull. Whenever I feel down or unmotivated, I went searching for eccentric voices and powerful quirky music that keeps my "heartbeats" ( my passion ) going. Just like yesterday, I found this French girl named Zaz. I have no idea what she is singing, but to watch her singing in the back alley of a street with friends playing cello and guitar..in a casual fun manner, it makes me feel alive! I love how she smile and sing and tap to the beats all so naturally. I long to be like her. I long to be enjoying doing something and feeling like I'm doing it great and well and spreading the fun to people around. Yes! I'm longing this. Watching her singing, it makes me question myself what is the one passion that I can't live without. That losing it will e losing a piece of my soul. Perhaps is to be able to express myself and by doing so bring a greater good to people. Maybe that is the reason why I'm working in this company for years now. Because I believe it is a platform to express myself and its giving culture of building relationships to bring greater good to people. But recently I have qualms about it. I'm not so sure if I'm still aligned or rather is the company still align with what I believe. And this is making me uncomfortable and not so happy. I felt suppressed from being expressive in some off ways. I felt suppressed from being my whole and initiating projects for a good cause. Be it initiating outings or initiating things to do to make our customers feel our giving. Something feels hollow. Something kind of stop me from doing so. Because I can't see company's passion in doing so. Well yes, people are busy. There is revenue to catch up. But still as they show people Simon Sinek's video of the golden circle; how company should start from inside out, starting from why, how, what. I felt some sense of hypocrisy in it. I doubt if the head here really understand what it takes. To start from why a company does certain thing and to live up to it, takes effort and commitments and lots of passion! I can't blame company for not being sure. But I just can't tolerate mediocrity where people only see the surface of something and jump onto it like its a bandwagon to lead to great revenue. No it shouldn't be like this. And yes perhaps I'm being very idealistic and opinionated but well this is me. So anyway perhaps that's why I'm waking up to books this morning. I'm desperately seeking for some form of motivation, some form of lights to convince myself I can make a difference..I can make the company see this. Or can I? Really? Whether I can or not, I need some self motivation, I need knowledge. I'm thirsty for knowledge that can speaks my soul. I don't mind pouring myself into reading or heavy brainstorming or mind mapping. Thats what gonna make me stay afloat. I need hope. Even if the company don't see it in the end, I need to be doing something to build a platform for myself to express myself to people, to convey the fact that story telling, brand crafting and establish core values is an important task for any brand to be successful.
That designers are not simply for aesthetic. Like someone in the company love calling it. "let's do some aesthetic" True. What we do makes it aesthetically appealing but beyond the surface, it's thoughts and hard works to illustrate a purpose, to strike a connection with people. I hate it when they simply misunderstood the point of a window display. A window is like a opening to the soul of a company. But it seems to be forgotten. Now the window is for whatever that's not selling too well. But still we did our best. Had some fun while fixing up the window with my fellow colleagues. Reminds me of the good o days where we pour our heart into crafting a story as we place each turtle at a right angle.. Haha I miss that. My heart is feeling abit of how people feel after being in a long relationship and the partner seems to forget the why we get together, the promise and pictures they painted. And here I'm still holding onto some kind of hope for "the partner" to reignite and remember "the why" and come to me and give me a hug or a cuddle and tell me "everything is gonna be okay and let's do this together."

Well well, didn't expect this to b such a long posting since I'm typing from iPhone, sitting on my bed with curtain slightly drawn to let some morning sun in...books on my bed, on the floor and I am facing a cabinet full of books open in front of me. What shall I read?