It's supposed to be bedtime now but I'm feeling so intense listening to 90.5fm oldies love songs..they are just so beautiful..no matter whether the stories behind the songs are sad or happy stories... each of these songs brings memories..and emotions rising in me..and perhaps in some strange bizarre way..it makes me feel so connected and remember myself..my smile, my love, my pain all in one.
I don't believe in forgetting..only perhaps forgiving. At this very moment, memories of all emotions rising up me..the love.. the desire...the wants..the needs, the insecurity...the joy, the excitement..the dream..the promise..the lost..the hope..Each and every part of me..my smile, my laughter, my tears, my fear.. my jealousy, my envy..my confidence..my aching heart, my joyous heart all come together in one.
Looking at photo of me jumping up in the air..drawing I did of me and bird standing on the surface of earth..and Birds I painted..I'm feeling so alive..and breathless..because I'm lost for words..to describe how I'm feeling right now.
Trust and dignity, Promise and love, Stories and memories..random words come to my mind.
I don't believe in promise and I make a pact with myself..promise are empty words when not honored. So no.. I'm not gonna give in to a word called "promise". It takes a great courage to give my all..to trust..to hope..I would say as much as I could I always do my best, give my all.
But why is it so hard for some to give their all. I'm not a perfectionist. I'm an opportunist. In things that I love and feel so much for, I would never want to give up without exploring all ways to make it better..or make it work. I once did, and its silly because I succumb to fear and insecurity. I didn't regret. But it taught me a lesson, I should give trust, I should give my all. Because timing is everything.
I don't know who am I saying this to.. "Don't give me up so easily" And if you don't plan to give me up so easily then cherish me like I won't live another day."
I despise people who give up without even trying...or hard enough. I despise people who leave it to fate or destiny. Yea I agree..something are beyond our control...and yea maybe there is something call destiny. But is that all.. do we call our life a quit because there is something call destiny.
Guess I was dead many times..many times when my heart "stops", "pause" for a long moment where my soul is nowhere to find home. Those sinking feelings. Those darkness. Those edges that I have been to bring me to where I'm today.
I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be loved.
I deserve to have destiny in my hands.
Yea this post may probably be the "darkest" post ever in this journal. But no it's not a sadist post. I'm called emotional. But emotions is what make me me.
I have been struggling with work because emotions don't flow..or rather I didn't know where I should let emotion flows..I don't feel the love at work anymore. There is a hole, a black hole, a void. Something is just not the same anymore. And perhaps the me in it is not the same anymore too.
I used to love to organize things to make things better in the company, but now my heart is cold.
The family that I have known..is no longer quite complete (not because of absence of black bear) but just maybe the transition, the profit driven approach has left me feeling disappointed and lost.
Each time I see them filling in numbers, staring at the down slope...while they are probably desperately asking for an answer on why is the number going down, or how are we going to push up the figures..
I feel my heart ache, I feel my breathe stops, I feel that void so clearly, so sharply.
Because I would have asked "How are we going to love? Let's talk about love. Forget about the figures." But I have no right to speak so I keep quiet, so I keep quieter and quieter..
I told myself in times to come, they will see it..they will see what I'm dying to speak from the bottom of my heart. That I will have more patience..I will wait.. but that hole is getting bigger and bigger silently.
In relationship with people, at times of insecurity, I withdraw from being emotional too.
There is only yes or no. Nothing in between. Love or not. Isn't it supposed to be that simple.
No one would know what you think if you don't say it out because no one could understand you thoroughly. some thing may means nothing to you, but alot to others. something may means everything to you but nothing to others.
I love you Bird.
Happiness is in your hands.
Be the full of you.
This is a mindless post...very very random...and I'm getting really really tired.
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